Date:	2008-08-17 03:17
Subject:	Anything to feel special again
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

I miss the way things used to be.  I miss the way he made me feel.  I miss the way he loved me.  I know that nothing lasts forever, but I would like for the past to visit me every once in a while.  

I don't know what to do.  I know that he doesn't want me bitching at him all the time, asking him to give me what we had again but I don't know what else to do.  I can keep it inside but it hurts so much that I just want to cut it out.  I tell myself every day that this is a phase, that every man goes through a selfish phase nearing his thirties and that I need to be patient... well, I'm trying.   

I catch myself eyeing other men, getting tempted to throw myself on guys at work, really really wanting to give the guys at GE my phone number... anything to feel special again.  I don't want other men, I just want him. 

I'm back to feeling like I did in high school, lonely and... depressed, suicidal, already dead. 

Date:	2005-11-09 10:41
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky

I want to sleep. I'm cranky and just about fed up.

I may be a little hungry as well but I figure if I sleep, I won't be focused on it which is good for my, uh, figure. Too bad all the seats are taken.

After typing my first and last name into the google database:

http://kameafilm.com/credits/

Hula Dancers
Theresa Cho
Genelle Custodia
Monique Herrera
Jennifer Liu
Evelyn Lopez
Stephanie Leiali‘i Megino-chow
Saydee Pojas
Jasmine Stein
Corinne Sun
Jean Sun
Arlene A. Yoshida

Hmm...I think I'd like to see that film.

Oh, and look at me holding a bachi with respect!

http://www.international.ucla.edu/asia/lessons/rwalcott/TStudents1.html

Date:	2005-10-03 19:46
Subject:	...
Security:	Public
Mood:	stressed

So it turns out I was supposed to go to work today! *Stresses* And everybody knew but me.

Blanca, one of our operators called me just a few minutes ago saying "Monique, you were scheduled to work today." No way! And I tell her I forgot, but no, I didn't realize...! "Okay, that's alright, I'll just tell Ms. Newman (the boss) you forgot." What else am I supposed to do? I was scheduled at 5:30, she calls at 7:30, the shift ends at 9:30, what am I supposed to do? They should've realized something was wrong 10, 20 minutes into the shift and called me - I would've been over there in an instant! Argh! So I apologize and hang up, she calls me back not five minutes later asking if I can work a morning shift on Wednesday, 10 - 5:30. I'd love to, but I can't, I have school that day. I'd even be willing to ditch school that day if it weren't for my first math exam at 1pm. I don't know, maybe I can get my lunch from one to two, speed over there and speed back? No, I can't. Maybe Thursday. Why couldn't it have been a Tuesday or Thursday morning shift? I can ditch that class no problem.

Ugh. I'm so tense.

Date:	2005-09-30 10:30
Subject:	Big and disgusting
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

I tried on my Halloween costume last night. Can we say 'disgusting'? I swear to God I was doing so well for a time there...I was being appluaded on my efforts that weren't really efforts and I felt great. Now I'm slowly but surely getting back to the weight I was this time last year and it's breaking my heart. I really don't know what to do. I want this Halloween to kick ass.

It's September 30th, I have a month to slim down.

In order to acheieve my goal of a total weight loss of about 15 pounds in a month, I've decided I need extra support. For that, I'm going to the web.

1. Decide what kind of a plan you need.

Well, I'm an eater and I have money now so I can buy whatever foods I want which means, basically, lots and lots of greasy fast food. Food, what an ugly word. Also, I don't drink enough water. Sprite is a satisfactory alternative to heavier drinks and the 'light's but it's not good enough. I need to cut Sprite from the menu altogether and substitute it with, oh I don't know, maybe orange juice? Because although man can live on water alone (at least, for a little under a month), I sure as hell can't. I need something sweet every once in a while. What else... Oh, and I don't work out but I'm definitely not just sitting on my ass all the fucking time. I work in a big department store in which I am almost constantly moving and I go to a fairly large school that's got me running clear across campus in less than ten minutes in a fifty minute class I pay five minutes worth of attention in. What's more, I've begun taking the stairs as opposed to the elevator to a class two stories up.

2, 3, 4, 5...

Why can't I just be BIG and Beautiful?

I guess I can be, but can I be happy at the same time? Not if my vacation pictures come back to me showing two chins on one body.

Grrr...

Date:	2005-09-29 20:39
Subject:	I.hate.math.
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb

I failed my last two quizzes. I thought I had them down but he just had to put the few I had issues with. Asshole.

He's a nice enough guy. Young. Not a T.A. but fresh. I thought I'd have problems with him but the class is big enough and there are louder people in there to make his life difficult, so I'm good. At first he bugged me some because he would say things like "okay, so where does this guy go?" as if to personify a number. Ugh. But I got used to it and I was determined to be focused this semester but who doesn't say that at the start of every year, right? So I'm trying, I really am, I'm trying not to procrastinate on my homework and I'm trying to stay organized. I'm trying to go to class everyday and learn something. I never feel like I learn anything.

What was I talking about?

I love Sarah. She and I think so much alike, it's scary. She's not threatening and she likes me well enough...I feel like it's okay to trust her but the last time I felt like this, Emily stabbed me in the back. Thanks.

Date:	2005-09-19 12:27
Subject:	Yes yes, I know, attention whore.
Security:	Public
Mood:	A little stuffy but okay.

So yesterday was my birthday. Yes.

I am officially 19 years old.

What a kick in the ass. The only sucky thing about it is that I was home all day. And I had a cold. Well, I still do. Less of one, but it's a cold.

What sucked about that? Well, I didn't get quite the attention I wanted. I mean, yeah my family was there, my cousins and even a couple of people I never met (thanks to Tia Patty and Amanda's raging hormones) but I was kind of hoping I'd get a morning shift so that the people at work would be all crazy about me. You know? Like, I wanted people to make a fuss over me. I wanted to have a little ribbon or button that said "Birthday Girl" (and I did, I wore it all day) and have customers be extra nice to me and wish me a happy birthday and fill out credit applications as a gift.

I wanted someone to say no to me just so that I could say, "aww...but it's my birthday."

So what did I get... Let's see, some stickers for my scrapbook, a six pack of my favorite chocolates (Reeses), a Belle Barbie (my party was Disney Princesses themed), a Precious Moments figurine complete with my favorite flowers (sunflowers), a burgandy sweater shirt, Dead Like Me season 2, a 50 dollar check (in the mail), a bunch of random little office supplies and stuff from Liz and Jessica, and a car stereo from Ricky sometime in the next couple of months. An incentive, I think, for me to get my license and buy his car.

Fun times.

I finished my Bio module. Good. Now I don't have to worry about finishing on time after work or somebody being on the computer.

Date:	2005-09-09 12:18
Subject:	Oh that's so cute! ZOOM <---->ZOOM
Security:	Public
Mood:	rushed

Notice, it's 12:18pm. That's right.

I'm at school again.

I'm feeling pretty good right now. I got a couple of new shirts and some, I guess, fleece bottoms that...don't fit me. I swear to God, I'm not an XL any where else but my ass. How is it I can lose weight everywhere else but there? Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I have something there and it's not ridiculously disproportionate to the rest of my body but I wish that when I said I was a large, I could mean it for my whole body. ...Okay so that's a lie. I'd like to be a small, but you know what I mean. What's worse is that I bought it all on clearance. Yeah, 60 percent off. And this isn't fuckin' JCPenney, you can't exchange clearance items here. Which is really all I want to do. I'm half tempted to get in there, drop the pair that I bought and grab an XL. Ugh. Oh well. I guess that means I'll just have to work harder to get my ass in those pants.

In addition, I bought my math book today. Yeah, that's fucking 90 dollars! I know. *Sniffles* I'm glad I got paid today but I really shouldn't be using my own money to buy something I don't want. Fucking scholarship, where are you?!

Speaking of scholarships, I went to the financial aid office today to make sure everything was in order and the lady said something I didn't understand so she wrote it down for me. All I really remember is that I'm supposed to download the Parent/Student verification paper again and bring it back.

And speaking of money, I have to work today. I know, I hate it too. From 5 to 9:30. Not a really bad shift but I have nothing to wear. I need to do my laundry again because, frankly, I don't remember what's clean and what's not anymore. *Sigh* I'm turning into a boy.

So right now I need to call my mom and see if she wants me to pick anything up from the clearance sale because I have a feeling that today is the last day. All I got were things for me and she's probably going to want me to get something for her or Ricky.

Steven and I are going to have our first anniversary this Sunday. How exciting. No, really, I am happy but I'm not quite done with his gift. Grrr, Monique, grrr.

I'm very stressed. I'm happy that we're going on our first year as a couple but it was about this time last year that everything went to shit and I'm scared out of my fucking mind that it's going to happen again.

God, I wish I could access my work schedule for next week. Stupid non-functioning computer. And I don't have time to go upstairs to the other lab to do it. Maybe I'll check it when I get home. Or when I get to work. Ahhh!

I need to do my math and my linguistics homework. Well, I need to buy my Ling book first, I suppose. Too bad KB didn't have any copies left. Thank God it's not due til Wednesday!

I have to go. I need to shop and go to class.

Date:	2005-09-02 09:28
Subject:	People!
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

So here I am in the SDSU library again. It's 9:28am and I should be in class. And I would, had class not been cancelled. Grrr... Had I known, I wouldn't have gotten up at such an ungodly hour!

Anyway, Steven just called. My phone wasn't on vibrate so his ringtone echoed in this silent room. Talk about embarrassed. What's more, I couldn't find my phone for a second there and I started to hear people giggling. Great.

So it appears Jennie has a new boyfriend. She seems totally lost over this one. As she did with the last one. I don't know. Honestly, I just don't get how people can move from boyfriend to boyfriend like that. God knows I love her but that kind of stuff just baffles me. I think it's totally one thing to go out with a different guy every other day and another to start superficial relationships with them that don't last! Jen and Barbara, I swear I just don't understand them. I don't know, maybe it's easy for me to say because I'm in one place and I'm happy there. *Sigh*

Okay, I have to go make sure my man didn't get lost.

Date:	2005-09-01 13:42
Subject:	Settle down now, students
Security:	Public
Mood:	good

What is "marketing"?

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for a simple explanation of
"Marketing." Well, here it is:

You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a
handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and
pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed,"
That's Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him
and get his telephone number. The next day you call
and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed,"
That's Telemarketing.

You see a guy at a party, you straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May
I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your
breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the
way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up
to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed,"
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies
you, but you talk him into going home with your
friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that
there could be handsome men in all these houses you're
passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated
towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs,
"I'm fantastic in bed!" .....
That's Junk Mail.

You are at a party, this well-built man walks up to
you and gropes your breast and grabs your ass...
That's Arnold Schwarzenegger!

YOU LIKE IT, BUT 20 YEARS LATER YOUR ATTORNEY DECIDES
YOU WERE OFFENDED....... THAT'S AMERICA!

Think Before you Speak
A GUY GOES TO A SUPERMARKET AND NOTICES A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE WAVE AT HIM AND SAY HELLO.
HE'S RATHER TAKEN BACK, BECAUSE HE CAN'T PLACE WHERE HE KNOWS HER FROM.
SO HE SAYS "DO YOU KNOW ME?".

TO WHICH SHE REPLIES "I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY CHILDREN."

NOW HE THINKS BACK TO THE ONLY TIME HE HAS EVER BEEN UNFAITHFUL AND SAYS

"MY GOD, ARE YOU THE STRIPPER FROM MY BACHELOR PARTY THAT I LAID ON THE POOL TABLE WITH ALL MY BUDDIES WATCHING, WHILE YOUR PARTNER WHIPPED MY ASS WITH WET CELERY AND THEN STUCK A CARROT UP MY BUTT?".

SHE SAID "NO, I'M YOUR SONS MATH TEACHER."


So I saw an old friend today. An oooold friend. From like, elementary school. At first I didn't recognize her but she recognized me and yeah. My stomach is kind of bugging me now though, so I think I'll just leave it at that.

Date:	2005-09-01 12:04
Subject:	Finally
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

It's been forever since I've written in this thing. I don't know, I've been meaning to but I haven't been able to get to the computer for a decent amount of time and when I do I completely forget what it was I wanted to write about. Well, that or my subject was going to be me bitching and moaning. I hate people who do that and if I can help being a hypocrite, I so will. Wow, this feels good. Haha, this feels right.

Forgive me if there are several errors, I'm at a MAC right now and this keyboard sucks. Yes, I'm at a MAC at school and strangely enough, I'm enjoying it. I feel free. Cheesy? Yeah, but it's true. We all know Monique's parents would stick her in a cage and throw away the key if they could. At least this way I can go home comfortably after a day away knowing I'm not going to get my ass chewed out. School and work are my only escape. And work ... I wish I could do without. I've finally got into that place where I don't want to run around cleaning all the fucking time and worrying that I'm stopping for too long. *Sigh*

But alas, I must go. It is nearly 12:15 and time for my mother to pick me up. Yes, class got out half an hour early and I still can't drive. Not that it matters though, because I don't have a car to drive anyway and the only car they're letting me have if my brother's no air conditioning, crappy stereo system Neon something or other. Oh well, I have to go.

Date:	2005-07-28 13:26
Subject:	Grrrr
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

How do I feel? Well, I want to cry, again, and I want to tear someone's head off.

I'm way too violent.

Let's say I'm annoyed. That works, right?

I have a lot to say but I haven't the patience to write any of it down.

Talking to my friends used to make me feel better but now they make me sad.

What I need to do is spend more time at work.

Date:	2005-07-26 17:11
Subject:	Have you seen the papers lately? They LOVE me!
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

"Wise up kid, they'd love you more if you were hanged - it'd sell more papers."

You scored as Soft. You are nice and soft, you love everyone and everyone loves you, while you are fiery or too exciting, you are always pleasant. </td> Soft 81% Violent 75% Hot 69% Exciting 63% Sweet 56% Wet 38% Awkward 13% Shy 6% What is your sexual style? created with QuizFarm.com

Date:	2005-07-07 18:53
Subject:	Okay, last one, I swear.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

Date:	2005-07-07 18:37
Subject:	More Quizzes
Security:	Public
Mood:	Bored and hungry

Pretty cool, if only the rest of my icons came out...

ICONS ICONS ICONS Color Quiz (RAINBOW AND BEAUTIFUL) by x0_summer
Name/NickName
Fav Color!
Pink
Red
Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Purple
Rainbow
Black/White
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Rainbow of Icons by FreezingInTheSno
Your name
Favorite Color
Birthday
Your Pink Icon
Your Blue Icon
Your Yellow Icon
Your Green Icon
Your Red Icon
Your Purple Icon
Your Orange Icon
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Date:	2005-07-07 18:03
Subject:	Quizzes
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick

Yesterday was a long day. I worked from 6am to 2pm and it was boring as fucking hell up until Jose got there. I *heart* him. Well actually, Philip was pretty cool too. Unfortunately, he's a manager and I don't know him well enough yet to be comfortable joking with him. ...Yeah, something like that.

What Icons are for you? by ladyallie
Username
Favourite Colour
Sex	MaleFemaleYES PLEASE!UndecidedBothNeither
Your Love icon is...
Your Sad Icon is...
Your Happy Icon is...
Your Angry Icon is...
Your Food Icon is...
Your Animal Icon is...
Your Random Icon is...
Your Cartoon Icon is...
Your Sexy Icon is...
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Date:	2005-07-01 12:59
Subject:	Dream, dream dream dream
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused

So I had these dreams last night, or maybe it was this morning, just after I found out my phone had died on me and I wanted to hear Steven's voice again. Haha, it must've been this morning.

The first one was weird. Well... yeah, that'll do.

For some reason I can't remember, Steven had given me his cell phone and for some reason, I was sleeping on a bridge, you know, one of those that opens to let big ships through, and what do you know, a fairly big ship passed. Luckily for me, the bridge didn't have to open. It didn't have to, but it did. Once the ship was past, the bridge decided to open up. It was late, really dark, and I was tired. I grabbed my blankets and my pillow and walked off the bridge to my dad who was waiting for me. Apparently, I was sleeping right in the middle of the bridge, exactly where it opened because as soon as it opened, our phones fell in. At first I didn't realize it was the phones (I didn't have my glasses on) but it came to me quick. I turned to my dad, scared, asking him what I should do. He kind of shrugged, I think, and when I asked him if I should go after them he said "sure" so I did. The water was murky and gross but I hesitantly dived from my place on the bridge to retrive the phones that I knew wouldn't work anymore even if I had saved them from a watery grave. I came close to them, they were falling slowly, I reached out for Steven's but it fell fast so I grabbed for mine, still connected to the charger, and it fell fast. The water from where I was then was surprisingly clear, it wasn't until several feet down that it seemed to get really dark and I had to debate with myself on whether or not I wanted to chase the damn phones down there.

I didn't.

I went home with my dad that night. I picked up my old phone that still barely worked and called Steven. Now, it would make sense if I called him at his house or his work but I'm not sure that I did, he must've had another phone, a temporary one until he could get the other one back. So I was standing here, by the computer but the computer was off, not that it mattered anyway since I was talking on the phone looking out the back window.

I couldn't say for sure what happened after that.

All I know is that I had another dream.

I was working at Disneyland but I was dressed like I was working at Sea World. I was walking around, leading people to where they wanted to be and dodging large groups of tourists. At one point, once it started to get dark, I took a group of people into this huge buidling and then into an elevator. It almost felt like I was working a ride but at the same time it was like I was taking them to their jail cells. Once we got to where we needed to be, most of the people thanked me and walked off smiling and one, an unattractive, almost scary-looking man, was missing. I knew he was dangerous and I didn't want to walk the dark building alone so I called a security guard. Luckily for me, that just happened to be Sean Patrick Thomas from Save the Last Dance (haha, I always thought he was cute). He came up to escort me down and we had a good old time chatting away, I think he was trying to keep me calm, when suddenly he catches a glimpse of something moving in the shadows. He pulls out a gun and motions for me to stay where I was, runs after him and I leave. We run into each other again in the park in front of Sleeping Beauty's castle that was glowing pink and suddenly, he's not a security guard, but a normal "go this way for that" and "go that way for this" sort of employee. And this time, he even has a camera. We're standing there talking about what'd happened in the building (he lost him :( ) while he's taking distance shots of some kids at Pooh Corner. I think that's what he was supposed to be doing, taking lots of pictures of nothing in particular and me, I was taking a break from the people who were now only concerned with Pooh Corner and the glowing castle. For some reason, it sticks out to me that I was standing by a little sewer type of thing like the ones in Coronado Terrace. Anyway, I felt we'd been standing there chatting for long enough so I told him I'd see him later and I left (with butterflies in my stomach) to this little movie room (that actually looked a lot like my room) to check on the guests there. They were all doing fine until I noticed one looking just like the guy we'd been chasing earlier. I panicked when I saw him and he smiled at me. He shrunk down into a tiny version of himself and he ran toward me. At that point I was yelling for Sean Patrick Thomas except, at the time, I had no clue what his name was. Somehow, the little terror got stuck in a jar of mayonaise and I locked him in. I was very proud of myself. I left him on the table that my TV is on and walked out looking for my new friend. I couldn't find him so I turned around and taunted the little man in the jar. Hell, I even dropped the jar on purpose. Yeah, smooth move. The lid popped off and suddenly the little guy was a big rat. I quickly shut the door and the big rat shoved his body into that of a weasel Beanie Baby my brother got years ago. I thought it was funny that he did this because now he couldn't move. So I picked up the Beanie Baby with a towel and took him to the bathroom where my mom, Christian, and Sean Patrick Thomas were. Sean drenched the toy and wringed it out to the point where the rat fell out. Yeah, he fell out and, like an idiot, ran back in the toy and Sean had my mom repeat the process. I don't know what she did with him after that because at that moment, Sean and I left the bathroom and started to kiss. I thought about Steven and how he was stupid to break up with me. Not too long later, my whole family was in the livingroom, some of us lying on the couch, the rest on foam on the ground. Sean lying below me and my mom beside us, it was all a little strange but nice, though I couldn't stop thinking of Steven. Somehow I'd conviced myself that either Steven or Sean was a ghost.


Weird, huh?

Haha.

Date:	2005-06-26 00:23
Subject:	Let's recap
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired

Today, Sandra asked me if Frank was hitting on me.

I told her he wasn't.

...Are you sure?

Not anymore, I guess.

Today was a long day. It didn't feel like it. Really. But it was. From 10am to 5pm, a half hour lunch, no breaks (because I'm badass like that), and an extra hour tacked onto the end because Sandra wasn't feeling well.

It was my pleasure. An hour's pay extra, hey, why not? And I wasn't tired. I wasn't going anywhere. I wasn't obligated to stay (and we all know that's the best kind of paid work). And above all else, I was there with people I liked. Now had Sade or Emily been there, I would've been trekking my ass to the time clock by 4:59pm.

Unfortunately, I couldn't get a hold of my ride (my mom) at the start of my extra shift and, instead of coming down when I was 5, 10, 15 minutes late, she stayed in the car for fifty minutes (she was ten minutes late) only to come to me as I was folding tables at 6:01pm looking pissed. Yep. But apparently she wasn't. Not at me at least. She was mad at my older brother who said "I don't want to work at Lowes anymore!" when he was getting paid 10, 11 dollars an hour for not a whole lot of work only to bust his ass at Dad's shop for 10 dollars an hour with no possible raise in the foreseeable future. On top of that, my dad was sleeping all day. She hates it when we sleep past 12:30pm, and he was in bed until 5 or so. Granted he got to bed at about 3 or 4 but that was on his own accord -- watching movies with 6 bombing scenes. Worse, he moved from the living room to my room because the construction was bothering him. Her reasoning: he should be awake anyway. We came home and Dad was awake. He brought donuts home, probably in an attempt to butter up my mom, but it didn't work. The house was tense for a few minutes, but only a few minutes until my dad left and my mom retired to her room. It was nice at that time...quiet. After a bit, I went to my room, for some privacy. Took a shower then spoke with Steven as he got off of work.

Tomorrow is going to be another long day. I'll be there from one to close and I can honestly say I'm not looking forward to it. It's cool that I'll be closing with Frank because, haha, frankly, I like the attention he's so eager shower on me.

My family, well, Mom, Dad, and Christian, are in the living room watching Miss Congeniality 2. I feel bad not being out there with them but I just want to be alone tonight. I want it to be quiet.

Eh. I need to sleep.

Date:	2005-06-19 23:56
Subject:	Oh the Drama.
Security:	Public
Mood:	Kind of...eh. You know?

Men's has more drama than Children's. But by now I don't care what they say. Probably mostly because as of now, none of the drama includes me. Right now, I'm the new girl everybody except maybe that bitch Sade likes (and even she doesn't matter because she was just a temp) because of my ability to sprint from here to there and take orders.

From the day I started, I heard about Frank and his ex-girlfriend. A bunch of stuff that I tried to block out because it was none of my business. After three or four days, though, Frank himself was telling me all about it. I'm not going to tell the story now because it's not mine to tell but if you knew. If only you knew. Not just about them, in regards to them, right now I'm only concerned with the way the girl is responding to him. He told her to tell her father he said happy Father's Day and she didn't react positively. I was ringing at the time so I couldn't do anything about it (not that there's a lot I could've done or, even, would've done) but I'll tell you, I wanted to slap her. I know she was fed up with him but from what Frank tells me, she handled it all wrong. I'm pretty sure that if I were to break up with someone that I was dating for three months and still had to work with, I'd be civil about it. Why have unnecessary tension, right? God.

I was going to say more but I think it's bedtime.

But first, a song Steven would dedicate to me if necessary.

Artist: Prince
Album: The Gold Experience
Title: I Hate U


U have just accessed the hate experience
Do u wish 2 change your entry?
Very well, please enjoy your experience


I never thought that u would be the one
After all the things that we've been through
U gave your body 2 another in the name of fun
I hope u had some baby, if not, boo hoo

Chorus:
It's so sad but i hate u
Like a day without sunshine
It's so bad but i hate u
Cuz u're all that's ever on my mind
Honey, i hate u -
Now everyday would be a waste of time
Cuz i hate u

I never thought that i could feel this way
2 fall in love was a table reserved 4 fools
Say u're sorry if u wanna but it's all in vain
I'm out the door sweet baby, that's right, we're through

Chorus

This court is now in session
Would the defendant please rise?
State your name 4 the court
Never mind (billy jack bitch)
U're being charged with one 2 many counts of heartbreaking
In the 1st degree
I don't give a damn about the others
My main concern is u and me

Your honor, may i call 2 the stand my one and only witness?
A girl that know damn well she didn't have no damn business
I know what u did, how u did it and uh.. who u did it with
So u might as well plead guilty cuz u sure can't plead the 5th

Now raise your right hand
Do u swear 2 tell the whole truth
Not the half truth like u used 2 so help u god?
Nod your head one time if u hear me
If u don't, i'll have 2 use the rod
Anything 2 make u see that uh.. u're gonna miss me
Yeah, u're gonna miss me
Uh, uh, uh, oh!

If it please the court
I'd like 2 have the defendant place her hands behind her back
So i can tie her up tight and get into the act
The act of showing her how good it used 2 be
I want it 2 be so good she falls back in love with me

Close your eyes
I'm gonna cover your ass with this sheet
And i want u 2 pump your hips like u used 2
And, baby, u better stay on the beat
Did u do 2 your other man the same things that u did 2 me?
Right now i hate u so much i wanna make love until u see
That it's killin' me, baby, 2 be without u
Cuz all i ever wanted 2 do was 2 be with u ... ow!

I hate u (i hate u)
Because i love u (because i love u)
But i can't love u (i can't love u)
Because i hate u (i hate u)

Because i love u
I love u, baby
I love u {x3}

I love u cuz u're all that's ever on my mind
I hate u because i love u

Date:	2005-06-17 13:51
Subject:	Promotion
Security:	Public
Mood:	content

I haven't updated in a while. Things have been going so crazy that I haven't had even a minute to sit down and write a proper journal entry. Even now I may be too tired to say anything worth reading.

So let's see...

Today is everyone's graduation.

I loved my gradutation. I was nearly the center of attention, being in the front row center in a striking black robe with gold tassels surrounded by a sea of mediocre red and white. Why other people, my little brother for example, can't take it as seriously is beyond me. Not that an eighth grade promotion is something to be taken very seriously, but still, you'd think he'd try to follow more closely in my footsteps. I, for one, would not want my parents thinking, "why can't you be more like your sister?" which is probably the first reason why I went and did what I did and as time went on my reasoning became more complex.

God, I'm tired.

What am I talking about? Well, today my little brother Christian and my cousin Amanda were promoted from Castle Park Middle, only, one of them actually went through the ceremony and the other, well, the other came home without a second thought. I don't know, it's weird how it happened, how Christian's mind works. My parents let him off so easy and he didn't punish himself for it much either. I don't know, maybe if it were me my parents wouldn't have busted my balls so much either, maybe it would have just been that I would have been so ashamed that I would be mentally abusing myself at the same time, convinced that it was them all along. Maybe that's how its always been. And if it hasn't? Does that mean I'm letting them off easy? Who's really at fault for all of my distress?

This has been one long week. And I mean LONG. My God, it was getting to the point where I was starting to count the seconds until the week was through. I couldn't say why, maybe it was because I worked, or, I am working twenty five and a half hours hours this week with people I don't especially like. I mean, so far, my favorite people in mens are Frank, Sonia, Sandie, and Rebecca. We had one fill-in that drove me bonkers. I've never had to actually work with her until that day and I swear to God, she was was glued to the phone. First she wouldn't shut up when she had a line full of people (I was zoning) then she was asking for help every two seconds. Not from me, mind you, but from the managers. I wanted to slap her. On top of that, people were especially needy and grouchy that day. I was on the floor picking up with Rebecca just before she left when she felt the need to teach me things. She showed me the back room and taught (well, re-taught, I guess, since Frank tried to teach me on my first or second day but I completely forgot) me how to measure collars and sleeves. A few people came up to me not too long later asking me to practice my renewed skill on them and that was fine. But it wasn't until I wandered toward the sportscoats that people were asking me the tough questions. They weren't especially tough, I guess, asking mostly for my educated opinion (yeah, right) and having me look for the sizes they needed. Mostly mothers and their graduating sons, one daughter shopping for her elderly father. Oh she was cute. A bigger woman, older, making things twice as difficult talking to me in Spanish. Now, I know Spanish, just not a whole lot. Less when I'm insecure about it. Anyway, she had me as her personal assistant. I grabbed the sizes she needed, I helped her choose the colors, and I went in the back to get things that weren't on the floor, I helped her figure out the total cost, and I gave her advice on what she should do with her sister's discount. Well, she took up agood 20, 25 minutes of my time and believe me, that's more than it seems, and I was not about to let her get away without filling out a positive customer service report. On the other hand, later, near closing, I refused to help this one woman because our wrap was absolutely trashed, needless to say, she left in a huff. It wouldn't have really mattered anyway, I ended up at the register a few minutes later as my co-worker dealt with a messy return.

So back to today's promotion, let's just say it was messy. I don't want to say too much, so I won't. I felt bad for the assistant principal guy who was helping us. My mom was tearing up, Christian was flat out crying, dad was frustrated and starting to raise his voice, while I was sitting there with my head hung low looking up apologetically every so often as if I had done something wrong. Afterwards, we left the ceremony area towards the wet field we would have to cross to get to our car when we ran into my 7th grade P.E. teacher and the woman for whom I gave up Latin to be her student aide. Yeah, Mrs. McClean. She's a sweetheart, as in love with me as she's ever been and still determined to get me to go with her on her final annual Yosemite trip. This year I may very well. What's more, I may take Barbara with me. I'd like to take Steven but I think everyone would frown down on us for that, so sorry babe! This time we exchanged e-mail addresses and I intend on sending her a very long, heartfelt apology. For so many reasons, mostly for not keeping in touch, even when I had two relatives going there -GUILT-GUILT-GUILT- and also for never returning that damned book she lent me five years ago. Haha... *Sigh* And now she's retiring. How sad. But first goes Mrs. Bennett, Mr. Nakatani, and Mr. Nagore (I don't know who he is but supposedly he's been there since 90 or 91).

What else? I got my Nifti card today. I went online to check its balance (I got direct deposit and I don't know if it went through) and grr, it didn't work. I was going to call but at the time I was exhausted and I didn't want to deal with them. My mom banged on my door as I took a short nap during Immortality jokingly yelling about my eviction. It was seconds later that Ricky asked if Steven wanted to join us at Monica's graduation because apparently she got extra tickets so I said yes and the rest is history.

Well, it's getting close to the next graduation so I'd better go.

Haha, bitch! We like Monica better than we like you!

Date:	2005-06-03 13:32
Subject:	Fuck JCPenney!
Security:	Public
Mood:	Pissed off and hurt

I hate that store. I really do.

What's more, I hate the people there.

Mika and Imelda are the only two I like. I'm sorry for ever suspecting Imelda. I'm so sorry.

Next week I'm getting a whole 10 hours on Friday and Saturday. Just Friday and Saturday. Yeah, that means I have Sunday through Thursday off. They're abusing me. Forcing me to work Fridays and Saturdays because those are the only hours they're giving me.

Fuck it. I'm going in an hour early today and talking to a manager. Think I'll call first and ask for Julie. If Julie's not there then I'll try to catch Cecilia but I'm not sure she can help me so chances are I'll have to talk to that bitch Tina.

I'm getting a fucking transfer if I have to quit and re-apply.